ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
Randomize
