census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Hippo gnu deer
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
