he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
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