I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
