bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Of course I have a pirate flag
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize