flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
