Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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