People in love make me want to vomit
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
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