so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Randomize
