just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
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