I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
