my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
