I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
