I think I am morally bankrupt
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
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