I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
