thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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