i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
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