The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Randomize
