woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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