This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
