You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
