mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
