I'm drive I can fine osifer
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Randomize
