on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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