I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
