Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Cover your peen. We're going out.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Randomize
