I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Plan B is the new Plan A
week 6 of class: i have yet to go to spanish sober. i love being THAT girl.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Randomize
