Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
