Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
