Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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