Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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