Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Randomize
