There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Randomize
