guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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