A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Randomize
