he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I need water and some morals
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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