just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
