Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
