Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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