your parents love me but you hate me
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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