OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
