i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
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Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
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Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
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