He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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