Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
