I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
