Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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