Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
