Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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