shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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