I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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