Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
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