you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
