just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
