yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Randomize
