last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I faked an abortion last night.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
