i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
