he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Randomize
